Quad Nips, Webbed Feet, and Piss Handstands (The Bush Dog)

The bush dog – half bush, half dog; all creepy. Obviously no, but imagine that in your headspace for a minute. You come home from a long day at work to be greeted at the door by a fern with four legs, pollinating with anticipation. You reach down to pet its leaves, and it playfully gnaws on your hand with its canine teeth.

Snap back to reality. Believe it or not, the bush dog is a dog, that lives in the bush. I’m not kidding. That’s all it is. Running through the underbrush of South and Central America, near rivers and swamps, you’ll find the bush dog. Or won’t find, actually, as these dogs are rather scarce and rarely seen, making them all spooky and mysterious. Locals call them “vinegar dogs”, for whatever weird reason, or “vinegar fox,” for I guess an even stranger reason. It doesn’t even look like a fox, it’s clearly a dog. That’s ridiculous. Oh look at me, I call this dog a fox because I know nothing. I also sometimes call bald eagles “comb-over hawks.” Someone should teach those locals a lesson about wildlife. That someone should be me. Do you know someone in Central or South America? Send them this article and help me get world famous as an animal guy. I’d like one TV deal please, with a side of all the money ever.

The bush dog

Bush Dogs behind some sort of fence – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Chiens_de_buissons.jpg

Bush dogs run through rodent trails in the underbrush in a specific pecking order; ladies up front, dudes in the rear. Which is fair, I guess, and gentleman-like. In a bizarre twist of fate, the rodents that make the trails are also the bush dog’s main food source. That’s like asking someone to build a highway, then cooking them in a stew. A nice, frothy, highway-maker stew, with chunks of asphalt and orange traffic cones.

Quad Nips
Bush dog females have four nipples, like that alien lady from Total Recall. Edit: turns out that lady had three boobs, not four. Honest mistake. There isn’t much that’s that fascinating about having four nipples. I don’t know why I picked it out. I think I really just liked saying Quad Nips. It’s cool, and abbreviated, which is all the rage these days. Quad Nips. It sounds like a trendy bar. “We’re gonna go down to Quad Nips, try to pick up some tail.” Because men are scumbags and I can’t believe any woman ever wants to be around any of us.

Webbed Feet
This is awesome. They have webbed feets. The bush dog is the only dog with webbed feet. That’s why it lives close to rivers and swampy areas because the bush dog actually hunts in the water in addition to the rodent trails. And it looks nasty too, just loose skin in between giant paw claws. Like an old person’s neck wrapped in a fur scarf. If you’re an old person, I’m sorry, you’re beautiful.

Piss Handstand
I don’t really understand this one. I watched a documentary about them and it said something along the lines of “The females place their scent along trees as high as possible” and then showed a bush dog literally doing a handstand and pissing on a tree. The males just kind of walk up and cock a leg and call it a day, which, really, is typical of us. I guess the female with the highest piss handstand wins? It’s a literal pissing contest. Pee to win! Glory for urine! Death or piss handstands!

Scientifically known as speothos venaticus, the bush dog is classified as “near threatened,” with its main threats being human encroachment and diseases carried by domesticated animals. I think the bush dog is fucking awesome and they’re adorable too. The webbed feet thing kind of freaks me out because it’s a little nasty looking but I’d love to watch them partake in their piss handstand competitions.

What do you think? Is the bush dog rad or not rad? Awesome or lame? Let me know in the comments below.

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