Baby cheetahs are pretty much the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen. Look at them. They’re furry, they’re probably cuddly (you’ll never know til you try), and they’re basically miniature versions of big cheetahs, which is instant awesome cuteness points. Cheetahs are the fastest animal on four legs, and without doing any research, I’ll go ahead and assume they’ll even beat any two-legged animal as well. Because that’s how you do real journalism, guys. Zero research, all assumptions.
But what can you really DO with a baby cheetah besides look at it and be floored by its absolute cuteness? Well, as I’m about to point out, you can do exactly four things. That’s only four things forever, and no one can ever think of any more, because I said so. So, uh, strap in, or whatever, as I take you through them. It’s gonna be a bumpy ride! God that sounds so lame.
1. Baby Cheetah Army
Yes yes yes, always absolute yes. The number one thing you can do with a baby cheetah is to get a bunch more of them and put them all in matching armor and create a baby cheetah army. If you don’t think that’s the dopest thing you’ve ever heard of then get the fuck out of the kitchen Mr. Rodgers because your neighborhood is changing and there’s baby cheetahs movin’ right in. Think of all the world conquering fun you could have. You can even give them a sick name. I know usually this is followed by examples of sick names but right now I’m drawing a huge blank so maybe you should rely on someone else to do your dirty work OK? Wait. Got it. Cheetarmy. It’s like a pun almost sort of.
2. Stack ‘em up
You ever see that thing where three kids stand on each other’s shoulders, throw on a trench coat and try to get into a nudie bar? Imagine that absolutely hilarious scene, and replace the kids with baby cheetahs. WHAT. Did you just make this summer’s next comedy blockbuster? Yes you sure did. You can stack the baby cheetahs on top of each other and throw a cheetah-print blanket over them and they can pretend to be a real big cheetah! All kinds of crazy hijinks. Like they try to con their way into the cheetah nudie bar. You get it? You get it.
3. Fuzzy Cuddly Slippers
No, I don’t mean tie them to your feet and walk around with them, although I did have that idea. What I imagine is you get a pair of these adorable baby cheetahs, and you put cheetah nip (you know, like catnip?) on your feet. Then as you walk around, the baby cheetah follows you, and when you sit down, curls up around your foot and warms your feet with its fuzzy, cuddly body. How awesome would that be? You guessed it. Super awesome.
The last thing you can do with a baby cheetah is recognize their trade-in value and try to get something worth the effort. I’d say a baby cheetah is worth about one human baby, so maybe you could have some fun with that. Convince some mother to give you her baby, and then hey, dress it up like a cheetah! It’s like you never lost a cheetah in the trade! Except that the human baby dressed as a cheetah can’t run. Or play. Or really do anything. On second thought, don’t trade it for a human baby, that’s a boring idea. Trade it for a fighter jet, because fighter jets are rad.
Well that’s all the things you can do with a baby cheetah. I hope you enjoyed this episode of Animals Are Rad and I hope you continue reading my weird blog posts about cheetah babies and other stuff. This article was a lot of fun to write because I got to imagine a baby cheetah army and also trading a baby cheetah for a real human baby. Seriously what psychopath would do that? Let me know If you think of any other stuff you could do with a baby cheetah and I’ll let you know if you’re wrong or not.
Also I just found this totally rad cheetah cam. Check it – http://www.timesdispatch.com/cheetah-cam/
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