Weed Piss, Sexy Legs, and No Mane (The Maned Wolf)

The maned wolf is the only species in the genus Chrysocyon (meaning “Golden Dog”) and I stole that line directly from Wikipedia, as well as this next one.  It is locally known as aguará guazú (meaning “large fox” in the Guarani language), or “kalak” by the Toba, lobo de crin, lobo de los esteros or lobo colorado, and as lobo-guará in Brazil. It is also called borochi in Bolivia. I really don’t know what any of these names mean because I only speak one language, but I guess they are all some variation of “wolf that looks like a fox that doesn’t have a mane but we still says it has a mane because someone said it once and it stuck.”

maned wolf pup


Weed Piss
The maned wolf uses its pee to communicate, like marking their hunting paths, or places where they have buried hunted prey. And guess what? It smells like weed.You know, pot. Reefer. Marijuana. Well I shouldn’t say all those things. Wikipedia says it smells like “cannabis” and I’m not exactly sure if they’re referring to the leafy plant smell all plants have or the smell of dat dank bud. The maned wolf is also known for its, uh, “distinctive” odor, so it also has the nickname “skunk wolf,” which is rad. Good weed is known as “skunk.” It all fits together here.

Sexy Legs
“And her legs went all the way to the floor.” Like they were going to go anywhere else. The maned wolf had these long, thin legs that look really out of place. They look like stilts, really. The internet said something along the lines of “they’re probably adaptations to the tall grass,” but I think they’re evolutionary traits that lead to more fuckin’. Yeah. Animal sex. Boom. Get you some. Hot. Furry boners.

No Mane
It’s called the Maned Wolf, but here’s the thing. It doesn’t look like a wolf. It looks like a fox. And here’s the other thing. It doesn’t have a mane. So basically, this thing is named for two things that it isn’t. I mean unless a mane is something other than a lion’s mane. Doesn’t a mane have to be like big and fluffy and shit? That’s what constitutes a mane, right? And if it’s named “wolf” it should at least look like a fucking wolf. It looks like a fox. Whoever named this animal is stupid.

the maned wolf and its sexy legs

Hey if this is your picture I’m sorry.

Why do people say “lone wolf” if wolves are known to hunt in packs? That doesn’t make any sense. There’s a whole thing about wolf packs, how can there also be a thing about a lone wolf? It can’t be all the things, guys. Come on. The maned wolf, however, lives up to this lone wolf idea and does not form hunting packs. It hunts alone, like a rebel, or a lonely guy, whichever reality you are more comfortable accepting.

The maned wolf is also monogamous, meaning it only bangs one person forever. A wolf person. Not a person, person. That would be no. Ew. I mean unless you’re into legs. The maned wolf has plenty of legs.

And there you have it, everything of interest about the maned wolf. It’s a cool animal, even if it is named inappropriately. What do you think about the maned wolf? Pretty cool? Not pretty cool? Whatever, tell me in the comments.


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