It Looks Like the Stretch Armstrong of Animals (The Gerenuk)

If you don’t know who Stretch Armstrong is you need to get out of my house. Stretch Armstrong was an awesome toy: a soft wrestler action figure that you could pull and stretch the limbs of. And that’s what the gerenuk looks like, the Stretch Armstrong version of an antelope. It’s elongated neck and limbs give the gerenuk a very unique style of existing, one that places him as basically the non-scary Slenderman of Africa.

Howdy neighbor

Howdy neighbor

Look at its dumb fucking head! Its head is so damned small and its eyes are SO BIG. The gerenuk looks like an alien tried to piece back together an antelope but couldn’t remember what they looked like so just grabbed some random alien body parts and shoved them into each other. It’s like it was God’s first day on the job creating animals and he came in wasted and tried to put together an animal. Gerenuk’s limbs are so elongated that they will literally break if the antelope is running too fast and trips. “Yes, this is the most intelligent design we could think of,” said the engineers in heaven.

When it eats, it stands on its back legs and reaches its long ass neck into the tree, using its front legs to bring the tree branch down. It eats mostly thorn brush and fruit and stuff so its diet kind of sucks I mean there’s no Kraft Mac n Cheese so really how fulfilling can its life really be.

Dry life
It seems that for every weird thing that happens in the development of an animal, for instance legs that are too long and a neck you could use as a bat, there is an equally awesome trait that sets the animal on the right path. Gerenuks do not need to drink water. WHaaaaT? That’s fuckin crazy useful right? They get so much water from their diet of fruit and shit that they literally can go their entire life without drinking water. Imagine, if you will, never having to drink water. Your life would be insane. You could never have to have another awkward water cooler conversation with someone named Bob about the football game over the weekend that you don’t give a shit about but don’t worry because Bob will describe every play in painstaking detail for you. Super useful not to drink water. Fuck Bob. No, back up, don’t physically fuck Bob. He doesn’t deserve you.

It’s got shit coming out of it doing things
What I mean is it has scent glands. All animals do. And like all antelopes, gerenuks have scent glands underneath their eyes that they rub on plants and shit. You know how when a cat rubs its head on you and you’re like oh that’s cute? It’s not cute, that fucking cat is marking its territory with its scent glands. A gerenuk has scent glands on its face, its kneecaps, which is weird, and its hooves, which means it glazes the floor with its scent when it walks by, a nice sheen of something that probably smells like piss.

The gerenuk is listed as Near Threatened because it’s Africa and everything is fucked up there. The main threat to the gerenuk is loss of habitat, because there are too many humans doing too much shit which personally is why I don’t plan on having any children but hey maybe I just haven’t met the right lady that makes me want to put a baby inside her I don’t know that’s life that’s my journey.

It’s fucking weird looking right? It’s kind of awesome though, so let me know what you think about the gerenuk is the comments below. OK bye.


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